BYU Singles Ward Bishops Patrol Popular Make Out Areas

In an effort to keep BYU students from making out, singles ward bishops from various wards have started patrolling popular make out areas. These areas include parking lots, behind buildings, and squaw peak. The bishops call themselves, the Preventers of Really Intimate Kissing. Bishop Henderson, the bishop of the 107th singles ward, started PRIK when he came across two students making out in their car while he was in the parking lot.

“I was heading back to my car after a long meeting a a Friday night. I noticed a car that was turned on but not moving. Upon closer inspection I found two students making out. Such behavior is strongly discouraged by the general authorities! So I banged on their window and startled them. The girl quickly left embarrassed and her boyfriend gave me a glare. Although I stopped this incident I knew it wasn’t the only one. So I called the other bishops of the singles wards and we organized a group to make sure students don’t even come close to breaking the law of chastity.” Bishop Henderson told us.

The bishops have a schedule and work in shifts. Everyone weekend and school holiday, each bishop goes to a popular make out spot for a few hours. They walk around and if they find someone making out, they get their attention and stare at them until they feel awkward and leave.

“I was making out with my girlfriend at squaw peek one time. All of a sudden, this flashlight shines on us and an old guy is just staring at us. It was very uncomfortable so we left and made out somewhere else.” Dwayne Wilson said.

The bishops have caught other people besides BYU students making out. “I’ve seen high schoolers, UVU students, and even an old married couple making out. I reminded the younger people about the law of chastity and decided to leave the old couple be rather than make things more awkward.” Bishop Nielsen of the 109th ward said.

BYU students don’t seem to think the bishops are doing any good. “Honestly, we’ll just find other places to make out. It’s not like they can patrol the whole city! In someone already made a map of nearby spots PRIK isn’t patrolling.” John Anderson said.

He showed us the map but asked us not to publish it for fear of PRIK reading this article. Whether or not PRIK is a good thing for BYU and will have an impact remains to be determined. In the meantime students are advised not to make out on BYU property.

Man Hit By Car After Taking Elder Choi’s Advice To Always Look Up Too Literally

A man in Salt Lake City, Utah was hit by a car after taking Elder Yoon Hwan Choi’s advice to always look up too literally. Elder Yoon Hwan Choi, a member of the quorum of the seventy, spoke during the Sunday morning session of general conference last weekend.

During his talk, which can be found here, Elder Choi talked about how when we look around with our temporal eyes, we see nothing but inconvenience and sorrow. But if we look up, we can see divine blessings. Elder Choi challenged members to look up more to see the blessings in our lives.

One man named Jack Miller took this quite literally, and decided to only look up. As a result, he was hit by a car when he didn’t look both ways. Miller is now recovering in the salt lake region medical center with his wife at his side. According to doctors, his injuries weren’t too severe.

“Jack always takes everything literally. He tried eating the Book of Mormon when he read second Nephi 31:20 because it said you would gain eternal life if you feasted upon the words of Christ. That was a very fun one to have to explain to the doctors.” Jack’s wife told us.

“I know this may sound stupid, but I figured the Lord would protect me if I followed the words of his prophets. After pondering about this for a few minutes I realized this was the lord blessing me. Now I am always looking up since I am laying in this hospital bed.” Jack said.

When Jack’s bishop heard about the incident, he took the opportunity to remind all of the members in his ward to pray about the messages they heard in conference and to exercise both faith and common sense in their daily lives.

LDS Church Creates Hermit Ward

In response to the increasing number of church members who prefer to stay in their homes as much as possible, the LDS church has created a hermit ward. The idea is that members can participate in church activities without having to leave the comfort of their homes. The ward also has the largest geographical area as anyone in the world with good internet connection can join.

“Church meetings are done through Skype calls and the sacrament is delivered to each member’s home every Sunday. We also post all of the talks and lessons on our website each week so that those who live in a different timezone or sleep in don’t miss church.” Bishop Jenkins said.

“I love this ward! Now I don’t have to get up early and dress in my uncomfortable church clothes. Instead, I just get up when I want and watch the talks and lessons in my pajamas while eating breakfast. I wish there was a way they could deliver the sacrament to my room so I didn’t have to go all the way to the door though.” Bob Smith told us.

“Not only do we have regular church meetings, but we also have everything a normal ward has. For scouting, our leaders play wilderness survival simulators with the scouts. Tithing is sent through paypal. Our choir is the best sounding choir in any ward because we have auto tune, and for service projects, our members help old people in nearby wards learn how to use the internet.” Bishop Jenkins said.

“Another benefit to this ward is, if I’m not paying attention in class and get asked a question, I can just quickly google the answer!” Jim Anderson said.

“The only problem with the ward is the dating scene. 95% of our members are men so I bought a dating simulator for them so they could learn how to date and hopefully find their eternal companion. Unfortunately this didn’t seem to improve their social skills. It also gave them the wrong ideas on how to talk to women in the real world. So I just told them to stick with dating apps such as Tinder and mutual.” Bishop Jenkins reported.

A lot of parents are considering whether or not they want to send their kids to this ward.

“My son is very introverted. Trying to get him to go to youth events is always a pain. He complains that the only other thing the other guys talk about is sports which isn’t something he’s into. On one hand it would be nice for him to meet other members of the church who are like him but on the other I’m worried that they’ll influence him to never leave his bedroom.” Sister Jacobs told us.

“I’d love to join that ward! Meeting people just like me without having to get up and get dressed sounds awesome! My mom is hesitant to let me but even if she doesn’t, I turn 18 just 4 more years.” Jeremy Jacobs told us.

The hermit ward has only been around for a few months so it is too early to tell whether it is a good thing or a bad thing for its members.

Scout Leader Released After 13 Year Old Crashes Restored Car Into Church

Kent Taylor, a 36 year old scoutmaster of the Sebring, Florida Ward was released from his calling after one of his scouts, a 13 year old boy who cannot be named, drove a car the troop had restored into the church.

“We had worked on that car for almost two months before finishing it. I decided that the scouts deserved to be rewarded for their hard work and let them take turns driving it around the parking lot.” Kent told us.

“Driving the car was fun. Brother Taylor set up cones in the parking lot and we took turns driving around them. He wouldn’t let us go more than ten miles an hour, so I made up for it by hitting a few cones.” One scout said.

“At first everything was going well. The boys were being safe and other than hitting a few cones, they were great drivers. Much better that some of the people in the ward.” Kent said.

“After a while we got bored and dared each other to see if the car would fit through the double door of the church. After a few minutes, someone volunteered to try it.” A scout said.

The thirteen year old drove the car through the door. Then he parked in the sacrament lobby. Kent Taylor ran in to access the damage and make sure the boy wasn’t hurt. There was broken glass everywhere but fortunately, nobody was hurt. After a minute, the young women and bishop arrived to see what had happened.

“Everybody was in shock when they saw what had happened. The bishop told the young woman’s leader to watch the scouts while he talked to me in his office. He was furious and demanded to know what happened. After I explained what had happened, he released me. I’ll miss the scouts, but I suppose this was a good opportunity to teach them about taking responsibility for your actions.” Kent said.

“I’m going to miss Brother Taylor. He always let us do fun things! Like that time when we got to have an airsoft war in the church. Or when he made homemade smoke flares.” A scout told us.

According to the bishop, the cost of replacing the door was split between Kent and the boy’s parents. He also told us that he would be sure to go over the safe scouting guidelines with the next scout master.

Man Brings Dog Into Sacrament Meeting

Jason Young, A 67 year old man in the Ottawa Kansas Ward brought his golden retriever into church on Sunday.  When confronted by the bishop, he stated, “If screaming babies are allowed in here, I don’t see why my dog isn’t. She is very well behaved and won’t disturb the meeting at all.”

“He had an excuse for everything reason I gave him. I tried explaining other members may be allergic to his dog. But he stated that they could sit on the other side of the room. I told him the dog may go to the bathroom in the building. He said it was well trained and wouldn’t do that.” Bishop Johnson said.

“I would’ve taken my dog home when the bishop told me to, but my house is an hour away and the meeting was about to start. And the weather is too cold to leave it in the car. My dog was quiet the entire time. Unlike the kids sitting a few rows behind me. So I don’t see the problem.” Jason told us.

Although the dog may have been quiet, it attracted a lot of attention. Especially among children. “I had to take my five year old son out into the hall because he kept running over to pet the dog.” Jane Cook, a 28 year old woman said.

“I get that kids can be distracting during sacrament meeting, but bringing a dog certainly didn’t help!” Lynda Thomas, a 46 year old woman said.

Things escalated when it was time for the sacrament. Jason took a handful of bread and fed it to his dog. Because of this, the priests had to prepare and bless more bread. One brother, who got annoyed by this, told Jason to read 3 Nephi 14:6 which reads “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs…”

“At first I was fine with the dog. His wife had recently passed away so I could understand that he was lonely. But this was going too far!” The man told us.

Once the meeting was over, the bishop met with Jason in his office. According to the bishop, after a half hour of explaining church policy and looking up a few scriptures, the bishop got through to him and Jason promised not to bring his dog in anymore.

“We read the story of Jesus telling the disciples to suffer the children to come unto him. Then I showed him the church handbook which states that animals are not allowed in church buildings. He complained that babies were more distracting than animals. In the end we reached a compromise. I would remind the ward to take out crying children, and he wouldn’t bring his dog back.” The bishop reported.

Unfortunately, an elderly woman who was sick that week heard the story and thought the bishop was allowing pets in church. So she brought her cat into church the next week.